Hot Pockets
by Trollin Down The Street
Summary: Have you ever wondered where your socks go when you do your laundry? CLICK HERE TO FIND OUT WHY! P.S. This is a Goblet of Fire and Triwizard Tournament Fic. Rated T for language, sexual innuendos, randomness, and possibly other stuff in the future. We aren't Seers, so we don't know for sure. Enjoy!
1. Character Profiles

John: Hey! It's us! Trollin Down The Street!

Jayden: Welcome to our first Fic! Hot Pockets!

John: Please read this, and tell us what you think!

Jayden: But don't be too mean... TT_TT

John: Yeah, don't. Jayden's a wuss.

Jayden: Hey! And this is just character profiles.

John: True. Can't get much from that. Either way. Review!

Jayden: Enjoy! *waves enthusiastically*

* * *

"Hot Pockets"

Character Profiles:

* * *

Jayden Armstrong:

Jayden is an American boy who was sent to Hogwarts because his mother didn't want him going to any of the schools in America (how he got all the way to London is a mystery). Jayden is the only wizard in the Armstrong family in their recorded history (so you can guess how they reacted – not well, for those of you that guessed wrong). He's in Slytherin, and is severely bullied for his Muggle heritage. Yeah, they hate - I mean, don't even talk - I mean, make eye contact - I mean, share breathing space with him. He also seems to be only Slytherin that Snape doesn't like. He gets abused by all the Houses alike. The only person that really talks to him is his roommate Louie Malfoy. Well, less talks to him and more bullies him, like everybody else. Jayden hates Louie, but at least _someone_ is talking to him. But Jayden likes to hope that Louie isn't all bad. Jayden thinks he should have been in Ravenclaw, but he's not smart enough anyway, and green _is_ his favorite color. He absolutely loves DADA and Charms, but he's completely terrible at Potions (ironically) and Divination. He simply _dies_ of boredom in his Muggle Studies class. He's pretty much a loner (forced to be, really), but once you get him talking he never shuts up. He has an infectious laugh, even though he barely uses it. He's in his fourth year.

-Age: 14

-Height:5'4"

-Physical appearance: black hair, thin, pale, eyes: left green, right blue, jeans, T-shirts, sweatshirts, sneakers, the like,

-Quirks: runs fingers through hair when thinking, taps fingers when impatient, quiet unless he's with a friend (then he never shuts up), OCD, wears women's underwear

-Pet peeves: odd numbers

-Phobias: ferrets, merpeople, big dogs, spiders, giants

-Likes: DADA, reading, cooking, bunnies

-Dislikes: being mistreated, Vladimir, Hagrid, Trelawney

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Louie Malfoy:

Louie is Draco Malfoy's younger twin brother, and is (obviously) in Slytherin. The twins share the same looks except for their eyes; Draco's are grey, and Louie's are dark blue. Draco bullies and instills fear in his little brother, so Louie does and says and acts however his twin wishes, which includes being the total Malfoy jerk that everyone knows and loves. Even though the real Louie is a sweet and pacifistic (unless provoked) boy, when Draco is nearby, or mainly when he's just out in public, he pretty much acts just like Draco, mostly because the latter is forcing his little brother to do so. To release the built-up anger and frustration, he bullies his roommate, Jayden Armstrong. Louie almost wishes that he could just be nice to Jayden, because his kind heart is telling him that Jayden gets teased enough already for being Muggle-born and American. But Louie is just so angry and sick of Draco messing with him by the end of the day that he can't help it. He's best in Transfiguration and DADA, and okay at Potions. He's worst at Herbology and Charms. Even though it was obvious, what with the fact that he's Jayden's roomie, he's in his fourth year as well.

-Age: 14

-Height: 5' 6 1/2" (Don't forget that, we'll be quizzing you later)

-Physical appearance: Platinum blond hair, dark blue eyes, dresses nicely: slacks, button-ups, the like (he's a Malfoy, he's gotta dress nice)

-Quirks: when he speaks and writes, he has to have an even number of syllables in a sentence (don't kill us if we forget this fact please), secretly super sweet and nice, loves instant coffee (Do you have any idea how his family would react if they knew he liked a Muggle-made product?), sleeps with his head at the foot of the bed (haha, that rhymed!), always carries hot sauce with him (will be found out why soon)

Pet peeves: odd number of syllables in a sentence, the color yellow (those conniving Hufflepuffs!)

-Phobias: being eaten by something in Professor Sprout's greenhouse(s), Hufflepuff's taking over the world

-Likes: sweets, spicy foods (hence the sauce, and even though he can't handle the spice), mystery novels

-Dislikes: Draco, being mean all the time, that accursed Summoning Charm!

* * *

Vladimir Markarov:

Vladimir's a 7th year, and in Slytherin. It is unknown to everybody except Dumbledore that he is vampire (only because it's easier if it's left a secret). If blood cannot be supplied to Vlad, Dumbledore locks him a dungeon so as not to, you know, kill all the students. And gives him deer and other small animals too "eat" until he's better. He doesn't sleep in the Slytherin dorms, but where he does sleep is unknown, even to the authors. Dumbledore found Vlad, who was kind of an orphan, at Diagon Alley and took him in, so to speak. No one really knows that either. Well, you readers do. He's quiet and mysterious and scary. All the lowerclassmen are deathly afraid of him… So are the upperclassmen. They always have been, really. He likes to mess with people, teachers and students alike (except for Snape, hahaha) just for the fun of it, and because he's bored.

-Age: 17 (or is he? geddit?)

-Height: 6'4"

-Physical appearance: waist length (and braided) dark brown hair, tan skin, greenish eye, wears leather and black and trenchcoats, blind in one eye (white-ish color) (hides it with his hair)

-Quirks: to wear mismatched shoes

-Pet peeves: when people try to talk to him

-Phobias: bitch, he _is _the phobia!

-Likes: mentally and emotionally raping people, opera music

-Dislikes: pretty much everything else

* * *

Ansgar Faust:

Ansgar is a 7th year Hufflepuff. Despite his German heritage, he was born and raised in Australia. He hunts wallabies (thinks he does, anyways) and actually thinks he's Chinese, but no one knows why. Not even him. His name literally translates as "Fist of God," discerning the question of how he's in Hufflepuff. Also, it's rumored that he wrestled the Giant Squid on his very first day at Hogwarts, and won without getting a single drop of water on him. Does he believe it? Yes, he does. He's best friends with Vladimir Markarov, but only because but only because Vlad thinks Ansgar's name is cool. Vlad and Ansgar are pretty much opposites, personality-wise. It's kind of a (non-sexual) master-and-servant kind of relationship. His sole purpose in this story is to provide comic relief.

-Age:17

-Height: 5'8"

-Physical appearance: silver hair, purple eyes, wears top hats all the time

-Quirks: he believes the rumors about him, thinks he's Chinese and hunts wallabies

-Pet peeves: hates polka dots and bananas

-Phobias: centaurs, pi (the number, mind you)

-Likes: pretty much everything else

-Dislikes: mentally and emotionally raping people, opera music (see, they're ARE opposites!)

* * *

Jayden: Pssst... Just a reminder to tell us what you think, please!

John: *whacks Jayden over the head* They know! Don't badger them!

Jayden: Ow... Sorry. Well, still, please do.

John: See you in Chapter One!


	2. Chapter One: Rum Cake

John: Hot Pockets Chapter One!

Jayden: Rum Cake! Yummy!

John: If anyone is actually reading this, don't expect daily updates.

Jayden: Yeah... We don't want to spoil you guys or anything.

John: We've already gotten reviews!

Jayden: Yeah, and they fill my heart with rainbows!

John: Okay, man. Be creepier. I dare you.

Jayden *goes cross-eyed* Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh...

John: Ugh... I was joking... Just say the thing, you!

Jayden: Sorry... We'll give you cookies if you review! John made a bunch of them!

John: It's true. I did. I don't know why. But I'll give someone some if they review.

Jayden: Do I get one?

John: No.

Jayden: Aww, why?

John: Because I don't like you. Take the hint.

Jayden: Why won't you admit your love to me? *weeping*

John: Shut up! This Author's Note is way too long. Say the thing again.

Jayden: *weeping still* Read and review please...

* * *

"Hot Pockets"

Chapter One – "Rum Cake"

*Jayden's PoV*

The first day of my fourth year at Hogwarts was already off to a painful start as my head hit the table with a hard thud. _Stupid sorting… it takes forever!_ I thought with a sigh. I lifted my head just enough so that I could see Professor McGonagall with one eye and focused all my will power to make her read those names faster. _I wanna eat, dammit!_

With the final child, "Zabernathy, Edward," being sorted into Hufflepuff, McGonagall rolled up the scroll, took the Sorting Hat and the three-legged stool, and walked away, letting Dumbledore gain the attention. "Welcome, students! Here we are at another year at Hogwarts! Before you dig in to the delicious start-of-term feast, I do have a few announcements to make…"

I rested my chin in my palm, only half-listening to the headmaster. My grumbling stomach was eating up most of my attention; I smiled at the pun I made. Third floor corridor this. Forbidden Forest that. Something about a Triwizard Tournament, the usual. I'll hear about it in the Common Room if it's important enough. I did, however, hear quite clearly from Dumbledore the words, "Tuck in," and it was all I could do not to stuff my face with food. I get made fun of enough here.

I could reach a lot of food quite easily, being that there was a two-foot radius around me that was completely void of people. Nobody likes me. Hell, I'm lucky if someone looks in my general direction without a fowl look on their face. But after four years at this magical school I suppose one gets used to it.

Reaching for the Hawaiian pizza (a rare find here in Scotland), the slice was shoved in my face violently. After wiping my face of the sauce and pineapples, I looked around to see the fowl, the evil, the git known as Louie Malfoy. He was cackling along with his twin Draco and their dimwitted cronies Crabbe and Goyle.

"Your face – you look just absurd, yeah!" Louie yelled, still laughing somewhat. Draco was even clutching his side like he was about to get a hernia. _Jesus,_ I thought, _it's not quite_ that_ funny._ "You stupid American Mudblood, yeah! You're so ridiculous!" I just groaned in indifference and decided to eat something else.

To this day, I simply just cannot understand why I was chosen to suffer the evil that is Louie Malfoy, the second most vile and loathsome student in all of Hogwarts. The first being his twin, of course. _It could be worse_, I reminded myself. I could be _Draco's_ target. That poor Harry Potter – yes, even an American like me knows about Harry Potter – had to deal with Draco. And I can sympathize; I got his twin!

But I like to think that I've got it worse than the Golden Boy. See, at least he doesn't have Draco Malfoy as his _roommate_! That's right, the boy that makes my life hell every single day, the boy that ridicules my very existence, Louie Malfoy, is my bunk mate. Which is even more outrageous when you consider the fact that no one else dared to be my roommate! Yeah, makes no sense, I know.

After filling my stomach with mashed potatoes and meatloaf – both swimming in gravy – I jumped when I heard the Entrance Hall doors creak and swing open. A scary looking guy walked through them. What was even scarier was that the usual din of the Great Hall halted almost instantly. He was probably a foot taller than me, with unnaturally long, dark, braided hair. It was covering half of his face, which, if it was at all possible, made him look even more terrifying. He wore a leather trench coat, and somehow his ripping muscles were able to be seen through the dark, draping clothes. His skin was a tanned olive, and his visible green eye held an expression that said "The next person I make eye contact with will be my next victim." And, as if my life just could not get any worse, his gaze met my own. The only thing I could do besides scream and/or pee myself was to stare back, frozen with gut wrenching fear and terror.

The scary guy made his way to the High Table, broke his eye contact with me, and stood in front of Dumbledore. "Sorry I'm late, Albus," he said, almost with a bored tone. _Dumbledore has a first name?_ I thought briefly. Then my heart stopped when I realized something that I probably should have noticed first: he was covered in blood.

"Son. Care to explain?" Dumbledore sighed, rubbing his temple and gesturing to the guy's crimson-stained clothes. The guy in question looked down at his trench coat and sighed.

"Bloody Dementors. Beat 'em to a bloody pulp, I did. Not before they did me in a couple of times first, though, of course." Noticing the pun, I grinned to myself.

"Fine. Just clean yourself up before bed." Dumbledore waved the creepy guy away. Bowing slightly to the headmaster, the guy sat down at the Slytherin table. Wait, _I'm_ in Slytherin! He's in Slytherin? Well, now that I think about it, the big, scary, creepy guy kind of belongs in Slytherin. I could feel the color draining from my face as he sat down next to me. Me? _ME_! OH NO! Shouldn't he have realized that the people-free radius around me was there for a reason? The honorable thing to do in this situation would be to pee myself, and I couldn't even do that! My terror must have been more than evident, because I saw him smirk at me. _That jackass…_ What a creeper, this guy was.

"Hey, Sparky. You got a voice?" He elbowed me, and I nearly jumped out of my skin. "Whoa, calm down there, Sparky."

"My name isn't Sparky," I growled, half afraid of being murdered. "It's Jayden." He seemed to ignore me, taking a large drink of what I assumed was red wine.

"I'm Vladimir," he coughed. It was then that I realized that he had one of those sexy Russian accents. "Where're you from, Sparky?" I guess I would have to live with that nickname.

"America. Well, California. Mom wanted me to go to school all the way out here because my entire family is made up of Muggles." I chanced a look at Vlad and swore I could see the classic "Ew, you're American," look on his face. I swallowed. "Hang on, why in the name of Merlin's left testicle do you get to call Dumbledore by his first name?" _That was an abnormally long sentence, _I thought, catching my breath.

He simply smirked, most likely deciding to leave me hanging – and I mentally laughed at the pun. I resisted the urge to pout because I didn't get my answer. I could feel my eye twitching because he wouldn't stop staring at me.

"Yes?"

"You're cute."

It was so abrupt that I choked on my own tongue. I sputtered and tripped over my vocal chords, unable to form coherent words. "Well, you're… scary." _Great comeback, genius_, I thought.

"Eh," he shrugged. "That's relative," was all he said.

On the outside, I tried my best to seem calm, but on the inside, I was stabbing him in the throat with pencils… hmm, sharp pencils.

"How can you be comfortable with all this?" My face was red with mostly anger and a side of embarrassment.

"You're loud, Sparky." Was he even listening to me? _That jackass!_ I yelled in my head. I just hoped that he couldn't read minds. Wait, was that a smirk I just saw? Did he just laugh at me?

"Jerk!" I pouted, but then stopped. That would just add fuel to the fire. Suddenly I felt his hand ruffle my hair. GRRRR! I could have just exploded with fury right then and there.

"How cute… pouting." Oh my God, I wanted so badly to wipe that stupid smirk off his stupid face.

"Don't touch me," I tried my absolute best to look menacing, but I imagine I failed miserably, being that I was no less than a foot shorter than Vlad. I couldn't stand this guy; not only did he scare me shitless, but he annoyed the hell out of me!

"Do you have a problem with me, Vladimir?" I asked.

"No," he said simply.

"Then what is it?" I inquired, while trying to be as nice as possible. He could still beat me to a pulp, after all.

"You're cute." He repeated. I couldn't help but blush. Then I realized my reaction at his words and mentally slapped myself in the face. I rubbed at my cheek and groaned in pain. That actually really hurt. From my peripheral vision I saw Vlad give me a look that told me I needed psychological help.

"Why do you keep saying that?" I demanded.

"Hmm… seems like it's time to head back to our dormitories," he said, clearly ignoring me.

"Answer my questions, dammit!" I yelled. But then I could feel Professor Snape's glare on the back of my head. I walked away from the Slytherin table to avoid any trouble. Though I conveniently (sarcasm) ran into my favorite person (sarcasm x2), Louie. The classic Malfoy smirk was plastered to his smug little face.

"I saw you talking to Markarov, yeah. What's the matter, Armstrong? You're so desperate to make friends that you talk to the scariest student in schoo, yeah? That's so pathetic, yeah." Louie looked behind him when one of his friends gestured for him. "Well, that's my queue," he said, and left to be with his friends. As much as I hate him, I envy the fact that he, even though he's such a douche bag, has friends. Oh, well. I can dream, can't I?

* * *

*Before Bed*

Oddly enough, I couldn't find Vladimir anywhere in the Slytherin common room… Not that I was looking… or anything like that… And now that I think about it, it's weird that I've been here for three whole years and didn't know he existed until this day.

I went straight up to my dormitory; no one would want to be anywhere near me anyways. I've pretty much figured out the routine by now. Dealing with Vlad really wore me out for whatever odd reason, so I changed into some sweats and climbed into my bed. Well, that, and I didn't want any more of Louie's crap.

I picked up my favorite book, _Taboo_, by John Connolly, and delved into its thirty-eighth chapter. I've read this book four times already! I snuggled deeper into my blankets. "Man, this such a good book! And I can't believe it; nineteen more chapters and I'm already halfway done!"

I only read twelve chapters before I couldn't force my eyes to stay open anymore. Luckily Louie hadn't come in yet before I finally fell asleep. Ah, sweet sleep...

* * *

Jayden: Voila! Chapter One! You like?

John: Of course they did! It's a piece of literary art!

Jayden: I choose to ignore your arrogance. Please tell us what you think! *puppy-dog eyes*

John: Hey, I would just like to point out that John Connolly is a pseudo-nym for a crappy romance novelist in one of our other stories.

Jayden: Yeah, I remember that! I see what we did there! -.-

John: By the way, if you see two lines below this, don't mind that. Jayden's an idiot.

Jayden: Wha? You're so mean! Why are you so mean?

John: Cuz I love you, babay!

Jayden: YOU'RE SO CONFUSING! WHY MUST YOU CONFUSE ME SO?

John: It's fun. Anyway, I'm done talking here. Read and review please! Remember the cookies!


	3. Chapter Two: Applesauce

Jayden: APPLESAUCE!

John: What about it?

Jayden: That's the same of Chapter Two of Hot Pockets!

John: Right... I knew that.

Jayden: We're really spoiling you guys!

John: Yeah, you might be suffering from withdrawal if we were to stop.

Jayden: But we would like to thank our biggest fan, "myloveisbeingBLONDE"!

John: Yes, thank you for commenting, reviewing, favoriting, and actually liking this! We love it!

Jayden: And we love YOU!

John: Please read and review!

Jayden: We'll give you this puppy! *holds up a puppy*

John: That's my puppy!

Jayden: And soon it'll be theirs!

John: Don't take my puppy please...

Jayden: We have two warnings by the way:

John: This chapter's a little bit racist,

Jayden: And this chapter's super hilarious.

John: But we're not being racist to be mean, it's just super funny.

Jayden: So we are deeply sorry if we offend anyone. Not our intent!

John: We hope you like it! We love you!

* * *

"Hot Pockets"

Chapter Two – "Applesauce"

*Jayden's PoV*

I was almost late to my first day of classes. Figures. I was given my schedule by Professor Snape – he had a rather snippy attitude, might I add – at the Slytherin Table. We've all got Double Potions with Gryffindor, Transfiguration with Gryffindor, Double Charms with Ravenclaw, and Herbology with Hufflepuff. At least there's one class that I like today. But while I'm at it, why is it that just because we're all in the same House, we all are forced to have the same classes together? It's not like we're all super close, lovey-dovey buddies. Well, I'm not anyway. I don't know about the rest of them.

So I slumped all the way down to the dungeons to face three full hours of Snape, Louie, Draco and Harry Potter. I'm afraid I'll have to chalk this up to the best day of my life (sarcasm). I slouched down into a seat at the very back of the room. Oh yeah, did I mention? To say I'm abysmal at Potions would be a disgrace to the name of Potions. Draco says – not to my face, of course – that I'm worse than some Neville kid. I don't know the guy, he sounds pretty awful at Potions, but I bet Draco was right.

What luck! Louie Malfoy has given me the pleasure of taking the seat next to me! This is the most wondrous day! Sarcasm makes me tired. I force my head to turn in his direction and put on the nastiest look that sleep deprivation can give.

"What do you want, Louie?" I asked.

"None of your business, yeah. All the seats were taken," he answered with a smirk.

I looked around the dank classroom, tapping my fingers on the desk. "There's no one else here, Louie."

"Did I say that mattered? Just shut up, yeah!" Louie yelled. I just sighed and laid my head on my desk. I can tell this day will take its own sweet time to finish.

Snape stormed into the classroom, trademark robes billowing behind him. "Turn to page 647 and begin brewing the Polyjuice Potion. I will write the steps on the chalk board as well. Seeing as it is your first day, I will forgive just this once if you are a bit rusty," he drawled in that obnoxious Snape voice of his. _Not like that's gonna do me much good_, I thought. Snape gave Harry Potter that evil glare, and I could swear he gave me the same glare too! My life is just rainbows; even Snape hates me, and I'm in his House!

"You will be working with your desk partner," he added. "You have two and a half hours! In the last thirty minutes, I will check your progress. Now start!"

"Let's get working, partner!" Louie said to me with false enthusiasm. My head hit the desk hard. I should just expect these things by now.

I sighed. "Fine. But you actually have to help me, alright?" I demanded.

"Help you? You're terrible at Potions, yeah! I'm not helping you, yeah," he said, that stupid grin still glued to his putrid little face.

"Which is why you have to help. You're better than I am. And… you can take all the credit!" I offered.

"Well… fine. If that's what you want, yeah." He left to gather ingredients while I was given the task of making sure the cauldron doesn't sprout legs and walk away. When he came back he put down the ingredients. "Listen. I'll do all the work if you pretend to be helping, yeah. And take notes, yeah. That way there's a slim chance that you'll actually learn something, yeah," he snapped.

"Whoa, Louie! You're actually looking out for me? I'm touched!" I feigned awe and mocked him with it. Jayden: one. Louie: zero. _Bwahaha._

"Shut up. It's just because you're my partner. If you fail it makes me look bad. Now hand me those lacewing flies, yeah." I did as I was told.

After two and a half hours of trying to comprehend the eighth wonder of the world known as Polyjuice Potion, my brain felt like it was on the brink of imploding on itself. About halfway through the miserable work, I slipped on some boomslang skin and hit my head on the hard, metal cauldron. Now I've got a bump on my head about the size of Southern California. I had to hold Louie upright for ten minutes, he was laughing so hard. Snape and that Granger girl were both giving me a disappointed scowl.

Anyway, Snape said "our" Polyjuice Potion was good, and let us go without a second glance. Well, not without about three tons of homework. You know how Snape is. On to Transfiguration. As our first day's work, we had to turn porcupines into pincushions. Oh, yeah. And with a partner. How could I forget. I'm good enough at Transfiguration. In fact, I was the first to Transfigure my porcupine, but Louie, being surprisingly good at this subject, Transfigured it back before McGonagall saw my progress. Then that Granger girl got the credit for having the first pincushion. As if her ego's not big enough. After that, I couldn't quite get the spell right. I guess I was just lucky.

When Transfiguration was done and over with, we were off to lunch, and then Charms. Oh, how I love Charms! I don't mean to brag, but I rock at it! I mean, I really rock at it. I ate my lunch of hamburgers and fries – with gallons of ketchup – as quick as possible. Gathering my book bag, I left the Great Hall.

(A/N: Best part! Get excited!)

Either I was hallucinating, or I was seeing the most peculiar being in the Entrance Hall. It was a guy, maybe a seventh year, with bright silver hair and purple eyes. And that wasn't the strangest thing about him. No, the strangest thing would have to be his fashion sense; Birkenstock sandals, cargo shorts, one of those high-collared Chinese shirts, and a black top hat. He was on all fours, nose on the floor, like a blood hound searching for a rabbit. I stand corrected; _that_ would probably be the weirdest thing about him.

His head shot up, and he locked his eyes with mine. In an unnaturally short amount of time he bolted up right and pointed to me, jumping up and down. "Yuu! Rood Boi!" he exclaimed.

I turned around, expecting this "Rude Boy" to be behind me. Nope. _Great_. I pointed to myself, and he nodded, more excited than ever. "_Shi_!" He nodded. "Yuu! Rood Boi!" I sighed and walked over to him.

"What?"

"Hav yuu see my Warrabee net?" he said – more like yelled, his voice echoing throughout the Hall. He was squinting for some reason. It wasn't _that_ bright in here.

"Your what?" I asked.

"My Warrabee net," he repeated. _Are you Chinese?_ I mentally asked him. _I don't get it._

"…Walrus… bees?" I did my very best to understand this unusual person.

"Noh! Yuu Rood Boi! Stoopid Boi! Warrabee net!" He raised his voice, as if that would make it easier to comprehend him.

"Um, can you use it in a sentence?" I asked.

"Okay, I hunt Warrabee!" He yelled. I groaned.

"That doesn't help! Where are these… walrus bees?" I questioned.

"Austraria!" he cried.

"Australia?"

"_Shi_!" he nodded, excited once again. I assumed "_shi"_ was "yes."

I paused. "But there aren't any walruses in Australia…"

"Rood Boi! Stoopid Boi! Not Warrus! Warrabee!" His voice was so loud that it was attracting all sorts of attention.

"Warrabee…? Oh! You mean wallaby? You hunt wallabies?" I asked, hoping that I was right.

"_Shi_! Dat's what I say! Rood Boi! Stoopid Boi! Racist Boi!" He took off his top hat and smacked me a few times with it.

"Ow! Ow! Ow! Stop it! Who are you?" I wondered out loud.

"I Ansgar Faust. It meen Fist of God!" He made a fist and brought it to his chest dramatically.

"Ansgar Faust, eh? Where're you from…?"

"My famiry from Germany. I born in Austraria," he explained.

"Then why are you squinting? Is the sun brighter in Australia?" I asked him.

"Noh! Racist Boi! I Chinee!" He shouted.

"Chinese? Oh! That's why the accent– okay, I get it. Wait, you're German, though." I said, instantly regretting that I said anything at all.

"Noh! I Chinee! Yuu a Rood Boi! A Stoopid Boi!" he scolded.

"Chinese?"

"Chinee!"

"… Chinese?"

"Chinee! Yuu such a Stoopid Boi!"

My face was contorted in confusion, and I struggled in trying to understand him. _Why is he Chinese, but hunts Australian animals?_ I asked myself. After an eternity of trying to piece it together, I sighed, giving up.

"No. I haven't seen your wallaby net."

"Tank yuu, Stoopid Boi! I sharr bee see yuu! G'day!" And he stormed off, probably looking for someone else to shout at.

Just then, the bell chimed, signaling that I was late for Charms. I ran up the stairs – almost falling through the false step – up to the fourth floor, and went through the second door on the left, next to the portrait of the crying baby. On the other side of the door were fifty Slytherins and Ravenclaws staring at me with fifty pairs of eyes. My face was as red as the Gryffindor flag.

"Ah, Mr. Armstrong," squeaked the tiny Professor Flitwick, standing on the three foot tall stack of textbooks. "What makes you late, lad?"

Still catching my breath, I choked out, "I was caught up by a Chinese warra– er, wallaby hunter." I could hear the stifled laughter of the students. Either they thought that was a horrible excuse, or they knew how ridiculous the guy was. I hoped for the latter.

Professor Flitwick chuckled, almost sympathetically. "Was this student named Ansgar?" I nodded. "Yes, he is a rather unusual boy," he said. "Very well, then. I shall forgive your tardiness this once. Take a seat, there's an empty one next to Mr. Louie Malfoy."

Of course there was.

I slouched into my chair and listened to Flitwick lecture about the Summoning Charm. All we had to was Summon pillows from the other side of the room. Easy enough. I mastered the charm in two tries; Louie, on the other hand, was not as successful. At his latest attempt, Louie's pillow was sent flying out the window in an explosion of feathers.

"I'm awful at Charms, yeah!" Louie yelled. "How did you get to be so good?" he asked me.

I just shrugged. "I dunno, I like Charms. You want some help?" I offered.

"I don't want _your_ help, yeah!" he spat.

"Okay, fine. But you helped me in Potions. It's only fair…" I goaded.

Louie huffed, "Fine, but I owe you nothing, yeah," I shrugged in agreement and showed him how to hold his wand, and how to flick the wand when the incantation is said. And within ten minutes, he successfully Summoned three pillows.

"Bravo, Louie!" I said, applauding the boy. His face turned red.

"Shut up! I don't want to become a laughing stock like you!" he said. That was cold.

"Whatever. Last time I offer my help, then," was all I said back to him.

After the Summoning Charm was good and learned, Flitwick made us take notes on the charm's history. Our homework was to write a two-scroll length essay on Elliot Smethwyck, the charm's inventor.

After class had ended, the Slytherins all made their way to the Herbology green house three with the Hufflepuffs. Professor Sprout had us extract the pus from sickly plant-creatures known as Bubotubers. It was sticky and smelly and not fun. But I could endure, because Louie was having the worst time, and I was loving it. He seems to have a fear of all the creatures in the green houses, so he was jumping and shrieking every which way. He took one look at the Bubotuber, and refused to do such "petty, disgusting work," as he put it.

Finally. Dinner. I scarfed down about nine pounds of macaroni and cheese and went straight down to the dungeons and into my dormitory, clutching my extended stomach.

I reached into my bag and pulled out Snape's homework. As much as I didn't want to write about why improper preparation of Polyjuice potion can kill you, I figured that I'd get the subject I hated out of the way. Then I started McGonagall's homework, but it was so boring, and it's not due tomorrow, so I gave up on it.

I was just about to fall asleep at my desk when Louie walked in. _Great._ I sat up and wiped the drool off my face. He completely ignored me and went to his own desk.

"I don't want to do this homework. Armstrong, give me yours, yeah," he demanded.

"No! I worked hard on it, and I don't want you stealing it," I said, putting it back in my bag.

"Not stealing, yeah. Just borrowing until I finish my own homework, yeah." I shook my head, making the answer clear. "Very well. _Accio_, all Armstrong's homework!" The parchment was ripped from my grasp and it landed elegantly in Louie's hands. "Hey, it worked, yeah. Thanks for teaching me that charm, yeah. I really appreciate it!" I could tell he was mocking me. But hey, he said thank you. It still counts, on the lowest of levels.

"Fine. Just give it back when you're done," was all I could fight back with. It was already around eight o'clock, so I changed into pajamas, crawled into bed, and grabbed _Taboo._ Chapter fifty; where it starts getting good! Ignoring the taunts from Louie about the fact that I'm reading such a novel, I read only sixteen chapters before I forced myself to go to sleep.

* * *

(Jayden: If Ansgar was hard to understand at any point, let us know.

John: Yeah, we'll translate it for you.)

John: And so there it is.

Jayden: *still laughing* I love Ansgar!

John: Who else did? We wanna know!

Jayden: We want reviews! They're the main food for Bubotubers!

John: No they're not.

Jayden: Shhh! You want the readers to know that? Didn't think so!

John: Oh, I see. But yes, we do want reviews!

Jayden *pulls out a Twizzler* _Accio_ reviews!

John: That won't work unless you use a Red Vine.

Jayden: Aww... I knew it. But please review. They make our lives rainbows!


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